nancy says (21:10):
*like falling in love
*with someone new
*the thrill of the chase
*and then discovering their little love quirks
*and being wooed and everything feeling new and amazing and surprising and mysterious
*and feeling invincible cos your serotonin levels are like sky high
*and staying up all night and waking up at the crack of dawn
*and your immune system is like triple strength
*because of some other chemical

Emirates Melbourne Cup 03/11/2009.

Saturday was Derby day and on the news that night, my dad and I saw Shocking tear up the field from behind with a lot of toe to win by a few body-lengths. Immediately after the race I heard the commentators talking about how Shocking was to be a Melbourne Cup runner, and that it would be two kilograms lighter than it was in the Derby run. I remarked to my dad that he should buy this horse, as he seems to always buy the horses that run the race from the front of the pack.

So now to the big race. The race itself was rather uneventful, Wawringa (sp?) led basically the whole race and poor Damien Oliver went from winner one year, to finishing last the next. It’s like you waste a minute of your life watching the horses complete the first 2800m, so at the last bend the moves were being made. With 300m to go i heard the caller utter “Shocking after Crime Scene in the lead…” and I got out of my chair to get a closer look at the TV screen. I found number 21 and it was making fast ground on Crime Scene, just a neck away from its nose. The horse had come from about halfway to two-thirds of the way to the back, and mounted its attack laterally against a strong headwind to break to the lead. I was then shouting at my dad that his horse was right there, and going to win the cup. With 50m to go, Shocking had put itself a neck in front… then the horses passed the finish line and Shocking won by one length. I was so excited!! and my dad was still confused as to whether he’d won!! But it was probably because I was shouting and being all excited… He did hear the race caller utter that tell-tale line.

So it’s been several uneventful years in Melbourne Cup betting for us, so it’s nice to get a small win, albeit minor as he bought the early favourite (Viewed) and another horse starting with Z as well.

The past two days have been relatively interesting for me, especially in the life of the mind.

Yesterday, driving home along the long straight road that is Wellington Rd, 80km/h. Suddenly the light turned orange and I was about 50m from it. It was between me and the light, but this time, lethargic as I was, I decided to brake and stop at it. Travelling 80km/h, the first time I hit the brakes, obviously I looked in the rear view mirror. There was no one behind me. As I was maybe 10m from the lights, I looked again, and this time I saw the flashing lights of an ambulance in the fading sunset in the overcast sky. The world doesn’t look too bright at that hour when you’re wearing sunglasses for the glare, but everything else is shady, particularly through the windows of your tinted car. So here I was, 10m from the lights that were about to turn red, and an ambulance behind me. I thought about the heart attack the ambulance was trying to rescue, the person who might die if I stopped here and prevented the ambulance from passing. There were no option to either side of me; cars were lined up on either side. I thought about being caught on a red light camera, being a fast, straight road. But I thought if it decided to photograph me, that it would photograph the ambulance too. Then the person reviewing the photos would realise I did it for the ambulance.
As I came to a complete stop, the lights were red. With the ambulance bearing down behind me, I decided to look right, and then left, as you do. There were no oncoming cars, it was a minor intersection, or it was just quiet at that time of day. So I drove through, and pulled over to the left lanes and kind of hit the brakes as I crossed the road, unsure of whether I had done the right thing. I saw the ambulance whizz past and before I knew it, it was jostling for the bus lane at the next intersection to zip through there. I then thought about the scenario had I not driven through and let the ambulance through, how it would be stuck in limbo land being held up by ‘laws’. I drove home confused, but I could have saved a life.

This morning was another strange story. I worked opening shift for the first time in months. I was anxious: I’d slept late the night before, I was running late and very tired this morning, I didn’t have time to eat a proper breakfast, I had more than myself to look after, I completed many tasks at once in the 45 minutes between waking and leaving for work. In the car on the way to work I wondered if I’d remember everything to do first thing in the morning. As I drove around the side of the streets I saw my other workmate taking the walk to the store room. I was going to be there before her, so I was relieved. I took my time parking the car, and raced over to the store to get the ball rolling.
As I turned the corner around a walkway where our store was blindsided till you turned the corner, I noticed that one of the objects we use to block the entrance was placed at a funny angle. I put this down to laziness by the person from the day before. Or perhaps even a curious customer, overnight. As I shuffled this out of the way, I walked into the store and the first thing I vividly noticed was that the small white bin was missing. I didn’t think much of it, as I only work once a week. I thought someone might have broken it, or the boss must have taken it home. When big things that I use all the time are missing like this, I take notice.
I hurriedly turned on the various machines, not wanting to make a wrong move in the morning. No one really bothers to ‘train’ you properly here, so you have to pick things up here and there when working. So I did things the best I could, unfortunately I stuffed them both up, but yes. I continued with the small cakes and as my colleague finished with the large cakes, she began serving the early customers. To do so, we need money to give people change. She opened the cupboard where the safe is, and she said, “M, look at this..” I turned around from the fridge where I was adjusting the small cakes and had a look.
There were two things that went through my head. The first was, ‘It was bound to happen sooner or later, so whatever..’ and the other was ‘Great how are we going to give customers change.’ So I uttered, “Fuck,” as I was stunned, shocked, disbelieved. I just continued with what I was doing.
Moments later, my colleague suggested to call security. I immediately thought to myself that, yes, that would be the right thing to do, because Center Management needs to know that their overnight security is inadequate. Right, so I had no idea where to find the number, so my colleague rummaged around the various folders looking for it. Finally she found it, after I tried calling the main Center Management number to no avail. I punched it into the phone, all ten digits – as I was doing so I thought how stupid it was that the number for SECURITY was so long. After a long twenty or thirty seconds, someone probably woke up and picked up the phone. I think they said they were security, and I said, “I’m calling from A Place, and we have been burgled overnight.” He said he’d be here. I felt like such a fool that I just thought to continue on with doing what I was, and not thought to call someone about it. The most I thought to do was call my boss, but I thought my colleague would handle that sooner rather than later, as I’m not a regular staff member.
Probably five to ten minutes later, a man turned up in the uniform and we showed him. The first question he asked was what we’ve touched. And we looked at each other and thought, great. We’ve touched everything. But I quickly pointed out that the cupboard in question was touched only by my colleague, who was still wearing gloves from organising the cakes. Not too bad.
After another twenty seconds of doing nothing, he suggested that we call the Police, 000. So I pulled my phone out of my pocket and quickly decided against using it, and used the store phone instead. Very bad phone, but I didn’t really care. I was connected almost instantaneously, and I heard the familiar ‘What do you need Police Fire Ambulance… … …’ over the din of the shopping center coming alive slowly. I had to guess what questions they were asking me because it was hard to hear, but I said we’d been burgled overnight, and they needed the address, to which I tried to ask my colleague what address/store number we were at. The security guy from Center Management took over, giving me a disdainful, “Here let me do it …” All I thought was that he should have called the police himself!! As if some lowly idiot like me call in!! So after having called the police, my colleague called my boss and they were to come as soon as humanly possible.
We began wearing gloves to do everything, it had to be business as usual. A little tricky to handle things sometimes, with decreased tactile sensation.
A little bit later on I asked my colleague whether she knew anything about the little white bin we have. She walked along and looked to see that it wasn’t there. So I hypothesised that the person had cracked open the insecure cupboard, crowbarred the pissweak safe out, shoved it in the bin, and left causing minimal damage.
I was outside the front of the store as my boss came. I was putting price tags in front of the cakes. For some reason I turned around, and I saw him walking in. I shook my head at him, and he shook his head back.
Another half hour elapsed and I went to the store room. As I returned I saw that the police had arrived shortly before me. They were getting a bit of a story from my colleague, and my bosses.
There were details taken, the cupboard was dusted for fingerprints, photos were taken. It was uncovered in the coming hours that two other cafes in our vicinity had been ‘hacked’, and this was somewhat ‘relieving’ news to my boss that it wasn’t an attack that was targeted solely at us.
The strange day continued, as I spent nine hours on my legs.

(The previous word I typed was my 1500th word in this entry. Quite and effort considering I’ve been doing my 1500 word essay for three weeks already.)

I have come to think back to these instantaneous, split-second reactions/thoughts that have come to my head in the past days. I must first remark that it is amazing how many things we can think of all at once – we can even think ahead to the consequences of our actions within a breath. However, I have not been thinking correctly lately, I seem to have a strange ‘common sense’… It appears to be these sudden reactions that define who we are as a person; what we think first is how our mind is bent. But I guess it is these real-life experiences that we learn from which prepare us for the unknowns which will happen in the future.

If you are a manual driver who regularly burns out at intersections or skidpans, drifts and whatever, this is wayyy too amateurish for you.

Today, I finally booked myself in for a skilled driver’s course – free, of course. The morning was a few hours of ‘theory’ or just statistics to highlight the reality of young drivers being bad. I guess the main message from this was that us P-Platers often forget that you can actually go to court and be in jail for causing a crash.

The afternoon was a great little adrenaline rush. Starting with a slalom between witches hats that I quite enormously failed at all speeds. It was kinda cool to finally get to do one, although I had harboured no yearning to do it prior to this. In my group, a guy, R, with an SS Commodore gave a great continuous swerve to show us almost how its done. That was mild fun.

Next was a hairpin turn. No adjectives needed. Probably 10m in diametre. My first run in was supposed to be at 45km/h, but i cranked it to 50km/h for fear of losing too much speed through the turn. Got through it unscathed at this speed. The next two runs were gentle at 30km/h and 35km/h, I easily turned those with one hand on the steering. After those mid-warmups, I got to hit the accelerator again and was meant to do it at 60km/h. Got to the dodgy three-quarter point and my back wheels started losing traction. So this is what it’s all about!! Thought about hitting the break momentarily, kinda did that, but accelerated through the last twenty percent. That was heaps fun!!

The swerve exercise was monstrous. Sudden calls of LEFT and RIGHT around a cone setup led us to swerve the car to avoid a figurative petrol tanker. Very hard to do with little distance and reaction time, let me tell you. Pretty much impossible to get out of the way. Even the swerve-stop was hard. My favourite swerve was with about two seconds to respond, and I shunted RIGHT then LEFT then back RIGHT again to do a complete swerve. That was thrilling, so agreed the two passengers, but of course not instructor. That was a good one too, but very much frightening.

Lastly was a true emergency stop at mostly 45km/h, then 60km/h. I am very impressed at my car’s emergency brakes, to say the least. From 60km/h, it stops me within 12m (on a dry road, on a sunny day). Was just wary of not slamming my brakes too much here, and could feel the ABS going on R’s car as well, which was a pretty cool feeling. Also smelt the rubber through the open window of my other group member’s car. Nifty.

Low-doses of adrenline pumping for a couple of hours? Great fun. Now I see why people love playing with their cars so much. But only on proper tracks that don’t have anything built up nearby. Much to dangerous in your everyday street. A little bit of the inner hoon unleashed within me today!!

Tomorrow is the birthday of one I have not seen much at all in the past two years, let alone been aware of the existence of. A small sadness but such is the busy life of those popular and working. Umm not much more to say.

Sometimes I feel a bit ridiculous with the stuff I am learning, it is almost reassuring knowing how most things musculoskeletal are working because I do a lot of things with myself physically. (Yeah that sentence didn’t quite work out but I am kinda delusional atm)

Saw this guy, at least 25yo, at the gym yesterday, Asian man. Wandered over to get myself a barbell, got it, looked to do my first set. I see this wide flailing movement out the corner of my eye.

He’s trying to do bicep curls. He’s also doing back extension (in the lower back) with elbow flexion, and back flexion with elbow extension as well. So he’s effectively levering the 35kg bar from his lower back. He is also doing it as fast as he bloody well can, increasing the torque with momentum, and death through his back.

I am dumbfounded my jaw almost hit the floor. I was conflicted as to whether I should save this guy from paraplegia or a life of pain, or just save him.

So I just stepped up to him and wasted a bit of my life trying to help this guy not injure himself badly. He thought I actually gave a shit about him and he tried to be all friendly and ask me what exercise I was doing, but bent-over rows is the last thing you would want to do if you have no idea about your abdominal/spinal/core stability.

Flabbergasted at this extreme lack of knowledge of a guy who wasn’t terribly weak, but seriously lacked neuromuscular control for his size.

Closing the lid on the baked cheesecake was such a routine, this time the last remaining open part of the box was facing toward me.

One last glimpse inside the box as I eased the top shut saw an inch-long shard of hair.

Hesitation crept in the closing of the last part of the box, but the box was closed in one motion, nonetheless.

As money was exchanged the box was swiftly taken. A man buying cake.

When change was delivered, the cake was immediately moving to the carpark.

This instantaneous decision was the balance between the lesser of two evils.

Another quarter by quarter update of my tv experience if this years AFL Grand Final. I want Geelong to win, this is their era and champions deserve to win. It will be an absolute cracker, just like Round 14. Two minutes till the first bounce!

First Quarter St Kilda 3.2.20 Geelong 3.0.18
Wow well Rooke kicked the first goal by tackling down Raph Clarke and getting him holding the ball. Steve Johnson hasn’t had a touch yet. Ablett has had a few but hasn’t been that effective. Hayes has had a blinding first quarter. Geelong had the momentum early while the Saints spent all their nervous energy. It is shaping up to be a nailbiter.

Second Quarter St Kilda 7.7.49 Geelong 7.1.43
Seesawing second quarter. With three minutes to go, Geelong – courtesy of a Hawkins post-burner and a Chapman snap from 45 out – were two goals up when scores were deadlocked at 31 apiece. But Jones smuggled one through from a mass-repeated-stoppage, then Milburn’s argument with the goal umpire resulted in him giving up a free kick, somehow. I think another one was scrimmaged off the ground and that gave the Saints the lead… or in reverse order or something. St Kilda have been incredibly wasteful in front of goal, McQualter, Schneider, Milne all missing absolute sitters. The nervous energy of the Saints has petered out, but still remains in some players. Johnson is still having a shocker, Ablett’s aura won him a goal through Fisher’s panic, and sneaky tactics from Gardiner trying to sink his knee into Ottens. Still a very tight contest but not as intense as it was last time.

Third Quarter St Kilda 9.11.65 Geelong 9.4.58
Low scoring second quarter with rain falling throughout the match. The quality of football hasn’t been that good, but there have been flashes of brilliance. Goddard smacked himself in the nose, playing with tape around his face. Steve Johnson starting to get into the game, at last. Well, game still up for grabs.

Fourth Quarter Final Score: Geelong 12.8.80 St Kilda 9.14.68
Had my sympathetic drive going for this whole half hour. Was shivering and tachycardic. Finally, the game picked up its intensity, despite the game being so close, the best footy was only played in this last quarter. It was St Kilda by a point as Hawkins marked and goalled. A point from somewhere else and scores were level for at least five minutes, no idea how long because it was intense. A turnover from Clinton Jones on the wing proved the crucial gamble, his kick to half forward was marked, and within two kicks and a fortuitous turn of play Ablett, now free from Jones, pumped the ball long to the goal square, where a pack spilled the ball to Chapman, who landed the final blow. A point from Rooke off the ground saw the Cats by seven points. Another long kick into the Saints forward 50 saw Scarlett rush a long, 30m behind. The next Milburn kick-in went 55m, and was plucked out of the air by Harry Taylor, and that was pretty much game over. The ball was shuffled down the wing, and landed in the hands of Rooke. Moments later Rooke rolled the ball through for a goal, but the celebrations had already begun.

Chapman was later announced the winner of the Norm Smith medal, with 3 goals and 26 disposals, but a whole lot of champion about everything he did.

This grand final lacked a distinct sting of intensity, despite the scoreline.

Western Bulldogs 7.11.53 def. by St Kilda Saints 9.6.60

It deserved to be a final in its own right. Such a close match, I should have gone. Unfortunately inaccuracy and lack of a major marking forward cost the dogs in a contest where the dogs dominated all over the ground, except for the third quarter.

On tenterhooks throughout the match I had to listen to the radio standing, emotional energy surging through my veins (sympathetic response) while trying to fight back visions of a grand final and a major upset win.

Absolutely gutted. I hate St Kilda anyhow, as do I Collingwood. So now it’s Geelong 50 points in the grand final.

Incredibly challenging past twenty-six or so hours on the brain. I haven’t had one of these days in a long time so it is almost like my whole body has been hit by a drug with a very long half life.

One thing I would like to discuss with myself is this idea of double trust, and believe it or not, hypocrisy.

I think I have dealt with hypocrisy (which I can barely spell; hypocracy) before on this blog. If I remember correctly, I don’t believe anyone should call anyone else a hypocrite as calling them one is hypocritical in itself, as there have always been moments where we have had to go against our of belief to fit some sort of social acceptance. Thus it is absolutely ridiculous that this even comes to my mind. But it angers me to no end that after a social negative I can think to myself that someone would turn around and have thoughts pertaining to this. As usual I have no evidence of this at all occurring, but the imagination of it is enough to stir me.

I seem to have lived a lot of my life on this ‘double trust’ phenomenon and I don’t quite know how to represent it in my mind. Clearly my thoughts of psychology have been influenced by my studies of the brain and its … its craziness. I think dealing with ‘trust’ is necessary first. It’s a strange thing, some people are most trust-able than others and it’s probably no secret that it depends on a few simple things, such as being down to Earth, appearing interested and willing to talk. It is also probably no secret that the easiest way to gain trust is to give some too. So if you would like someone to make themselves vulnerable to you, then it is easiest to reciprocate and make yourself vulnerable to them. The hardest thing is to be able to regulate how much of yourself you surrender at the expense of gaining the other’s trust. (Now this may be sounding completely ridiculous, so I suggest you stop reading now if you think so.) There may come a point where you are tired of undermanipulating one another, so you simply put it as a mutual trust, where neither is calculative and contributions flow unhindered.

Now if possible, take this and try and apply it to everyone you know. Suddenly you think you’re the most trustworthy person in the world. People will tell you anything for the sake of telling you, apparently confident in you as a confidant. Embroil that with a scenario where you are friends with two ‘enemies’. By double trust I mean that you could do a nifty double cross, and really, you should not be caught. As in, you tell an enemy a tale about the other enemy. Now that blurs the lines, or puts a third prong on the double headed arrow.

So occasionally, this double trust comes backs and bites you on the ass, and is a reminder that you are mortal. You aren’t as awesome as you think you are. The more it happens, the more you become aware of where you are in this world. For the sake of your own sanity you don’t do it any more.

But when you think you don’t do it any more, you just become loose and talk about anything. Because that’s what made you trust-able in the first place?

I think from all of this I have learned that it is really important to know who your friends are. I think it is from this that I learned to never forget where you came from. I remember everyone who I may/probably undercut in the past, and in a heartbeat I’d trust them again with almost anything, which isn’t really trust at all. But it’s all those people in the past who showed me up, and I hardly talk to any more, that make me more appreciative of who I still talk to about anything.

So, some people help shape you, while others are there for you. It’s those who are there for me, that I’d do anything for.

Working at a cafe, it is somewhat a small luxury having the same regular customers coming every day, or the same couple of days each week. Apart from the ’social’ side of it, you come to remember their orders. If they come with friends or family, you meet them too and attach them to the same memory. Remembering used to be really hard for me, because I only work roughly once a week, on the weekend, apart from holidays. Sometimes I forget in between the weeks, but I am usually okay.

An elderly man came today. He’s been coming ever since I started working. Initially his order was two latte’s, one sugar each. Then it became 2 skinny latte’s, now each with one equal, upon recommendation.

The past couple of weeks I have worked, he has been coming alone.

I asked my boss, if he still came with his wife, perhaps on weekdays.

She said she hasn’t seen her in a long time.

I think it is really lovely that he still comes, albeit on his own. Today I put his coffee down in front of him, and looked him in the eye. At that moment, I felt a small sorrow within.